I can’t feel my toes

Posted in Uncategorized on October 18, 2009 by Steven

I don’t much care for cold weather like I don’t much care for a swift kick to the groin.  Winter bites, and stings, and pinches.  Winter is a proctologist with big hands.  Winter is a miscreant, and snow is its dagger.  It’s a bully looking for lunch money.  I loathe it…loathe the thought.  I don’t even enjoy ice in my drinks.  Socks cover my feet until April.  Hell is cold. 

(It’s snowing as I write this, which has me in a particularly foul mood)

I have good reasons for such strong distaste.  First of all, I have no body fat at all.  None whatsoever.  I lack any trace of natural insulation.  I believe that this is due to the fact that I burn more calories chewing my food, than I absorb. 

Secondly, I can remember walking to the bus stop in January as a kid, and it being so cold I could begin to feel my bone marrow crystallize.  Terrorizing, I assure you.  My school bus had 3 windows that defiantly refused to stay closed, making the ride to school even colder than my walk.  My left ear actually snapped off in the seventh grade.    Occasionally my mother would drive me to school, but not unless the temperature was under 20 degrees.  It’s really the only time in my life I’ve prayed (to Mr. Frost Miser of course) for mercy, in the form of a drop in temperature.

One may ask why, if I find the cold so objectionable, do I continue to live in Boston.  This is a good question.  One that I don’t immediately have an adequate answer to.  I suppose you could also ask why, if one feared crime, would they choose to live in Detroit, or why, if you had an allergy to silicone, would you choose to live in L.A.  Questions without answers, I assure you.  Perhaps in my own situation, the only answer I can give is that it gives me a really good reason to piss and moan for at least 6 months of the year.  And oh how I love pissing and moaning (it’s my favorite).  I may one day move to a warmer climate……and piss and moan about the heat.  But until then…

 

All good things about Winter happen indoors… and south of here.

Ode to 3A Essay

Posted in Uncategorized on October 16, 2009 by Steven

This is my attempt at humor.  It is an ode to the original 3A essay written by Hugh Gallagher.  His brilliant essay can be found here http://laughnet.net/an-extrordinary-college-essay-p-110.html

 IN ORDER FOR THE BLOGOSPHERE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE BLOGGER, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION:  ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU
HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE
HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a man of many talents and skills.  I create great masterful works of art using only crayons and paste (and occasionally glitter).  I fly higher than eagles, and I once stayed in the penthouse suite of the Hotel California.  I ate McDonald’s for a month straight, and lost weight.  My scientific discoveries in the area of perpetual motion, led to what would eventually be known as the Flux capacitor.  My phone number begins with 555, and I AM listed.

My inner beauty makes women cry, my outer beauty has caused civil war in small nations.  I recovered stolen art worth millions, using  a metal detector I won in a poker game… in which I cheated.  My children’s books have inspired a generation of those who would come to dedicated their lives to the study of fluid dynamics.   Oprah calls me.

I operate outside of the constraints of time.  I have walked under water, cured a ham, and made a lame man blind.    I have seen how deep the rabbit hole goes, and have woken to tell the tale.  My triangle concertos are recognized around the world, and I have never lost a battle with my beatbox skillz.   I went directly to jail, passed go, and collected $200.  I blog about everything.  I blog about nothing…

Traffic in Hell

Posted in Uncategorized on October 14, 2009 by Steven

Should you by some stroke of bad luck, happen to find yourself sentenced to eternal damnation, forced to spend eternity in the fiery furnace, or otherwise be going to Sam Hill in the proverbial handbasket, be aware that drivers there (should there in fact be drivers there) will not be much different than those found in the great city of Boston.  You can count on it, as Boston is basically a training ground for those who will infernally clog Hell’s rotaries and one way streets.  I’m sure that a great number of the bad drivers on Boston’s serpentine streets will end up as cab drivers in Hades, forced to circle the block endessly, looking for addresses that don’t exist. 

My theory is that Boston has more fires burning per square feet than any other city in the Western hemisphere, due to the fact that so many people drive as if they are on their way to one.  I’m assuming that these fires are simply a byproduct of the proximity of Hell to the Sumner tunnel, but who knows.

Hello world!

Posted in Uncategorized on October 13, 2009 by Steven

Day 1…What to write…hmm